It all begins at some kind of weird university sporting event, in an even weirder setting. Impossible to describe this accurately but I’m basically standing on a crowded platform, high up a steep hill, and attached to the platform is a wide track heading straight down the hill. At the top of the track are about 5 or 6 guys sat in wheelchairs, ready to race each other down this death-run! Stupidly, I’ve signed myself up to race next in a pair of roller skates, and for some reason I’m pretty psyched about it. It then starts to rain, and my race is postponed.

Suddenly I’m at the bottom of the hill, playing golf on a course that heads up towards the platform. I tee off, and twat a driver 374 yards straight onto a par 4 green. Then I realise I’m not actually playing golf, but in fact I’m watching a replay on Tiger Woods 2011, on the Xbox, in my living room.

Now I’m back at the top of the platform, and the rain has stopped. I walk across the now deserted platform to find a guy called Danish, who’s shooting a rifle at a set of targets which have appeared, while he smokes a bong. A security guard walks over with a handful of water ballons, and starts launching them off the side of the platform towards the people below.

The Floor has Rabies

March 9, 2011

I’m sliding on my arse down the middle of an icy road, when suddenly the surroundings change and I’m then skidding purposely along a foamy shop floor with my mate H. No clue why its foamy, but my god its foamy.

Then I’m in a barbers, the coolest barbers in town, where they have Sky Sports News always blazin’ in the corner, and everyone having their hair cut talks to each other as if they’ve been best mates for years. I wait for fucking ages in the corner of the room, and then wait some more. Eventually, I’m up, only to realise I don’t actually want a haircut. I argue with the barber, who proceeds to not-give-a-shit about anything I’m saying. The cunt then starts shaving the back and sides. Never going there again.