A Cheetah in Iceland!

April 8, 2011

I’m in what looks like rural Kenya, leaning against a tree whilst watching a possible fight break out between two little shits. The surroundings are actually pretty stunning, with hills rising all around me as the sun sets in the distance (well done to the ‘architect’ of my dream…. LOL I MADE AN INCEPTION JOKE). Just as the two boys are about to fuck each other up, somebody screams and suddenly I look up one of the surrounding hills and spot two cheetahs speeding towards us! Screams ring out everywhere, as people go all Godzilla and run for their little lives. Well,I do aswell.

I dart into a supermarket which has now appeared and run straight to the back and jump on top of an exposed fridge, like those ones in Iceland. Loads of others jump onto the fridge, while dozens of cheetahs pile into the shop. Fucking dozens! Shit is insane; cheetahs are literally leaping towards me while I dodge, duck, dip, dive and dodge them.

An opening arises, and I make a break for the exit, running straight past a bunch of cheetahs going H.A.M all over the shop. Weirdly, once I leave the supermarket, I’m now in somebody’s front garden, and the floor is covered in these huge red spider/cockroach-type bugs, which look like they’re climbing out of one of those wormholes from Gears of War.


It all begins at some kind of weird university sporting event, in an even weirder setting. Impossible to describe this accurately but I’m basically standing on a crowded platform, high up a steep hill, and attached to the platform is a wide track heading straight down the hill. At the top of the track are about 5 or 6 guys sat in wheelchairs, ready to race each other down this death-run! Stupidly, I’ve signed myself up to race next in a pair of roller skates, and for some reason I’m pretty psyched about it. It then starts to rain, and my race is postponed.

Suddenly I’m at the bottom of the hill, playing golf on a course that heads up towards the platform. I tee off, and twat a driver 374 yards straight onto a par 4 green. Then I realise I’m not actually playing golf, but in fact I’m watching a replay on Tiger Woods 2011, on the Xbox, in my living room.

Now I’m back at the top of the platform, and the rain has stopped. I walk across the now deserted platform to find a guy called Danish, who’s shooting a rifle at a set of targets which have appeared, while he smokes a bong. A security guard walks over with a handful of water ballons, and starts launching them off the side of the platform towards the people below.

Nicki Minaj goes H.A.M.

March 16, 2011

It all begins at the standard dream-spot, my parent’s place. But today is no ordinary day. I am posing for a picture, with…Nicki fucking Minaj. Once the picture is taken, I walk out of the house, into a crowded street in the middle of a fictional town. Minaj comes up to me and grabs my hand, while she ducks her head down to avoid being recognized. We walk together towards the car when I notice that there’s shit loads of dodgy looking guys around, all staring at her. She looks up and FREAKS.

Then, I’m in a shopping mall (again?!), mit mein bruder and a random person who looks so damn familiar. We walk into a little clothing shop, and I pick up some Cloud Kicker tees (seriously check these out, so damn good). I hear screaming coming from the mall. We walk out of the shop to see what’s up, only to look up and see a fuck-off-massive beast tearing its way through the mall. Seriously, this thing is like Godzilla, on steroids, with tentacles. I drop the tees and run-Forest-run. Suddenly, the beast is gone…and I bump into an old friend, who has a shaved head, and is now apparently mates with someone he’s never met in real life.

The final chapter is nothing but epic. I’m driving the Corsa, with G riding shotgun. We park up in the woods somewhere, and meet up with the stoner crew, doin’ what they do best. They’re planning to go for a drive, so they walk off towards their ride and disappear into the darkness. We follow them and end up standing around a car, with a shit-load of people watching some fireworks in the distance. They all turn to look at me, and I realise I don’t know these people. I run.

We walk back into the woods, and find the stoners, must be 9 of them, piled into a Rover with smoke pouring from the windows. I dive into the car through an open window, and we set off. As the car pulls away, I notice there are burnt out cars everywhere to be seen, and my car has now disappeared… I panic, but quickly get told to chill. As we drive down the motorway, the sun comes up. At this point, the road cuts through some mountains, and the tarmac turns to some kind of sludgy-shitty substance. The car struggles to make it through, and eventually gets stuck.

Now here’s some crazy shit. The car turns into a huge piece of cloth, which we are all now sitting on… The road is now no longer a road, but a river. So now there’s 10 people floating down a river on a piece of fucking cloth. To make it even better, one of the stoners starts rapping Jay Electronica lyrics! As we float downstream, huge buildings appear, and we eventually float up to a hotel, with a swimming pool at the back. I look at the pool, and consider jumping in. Then the most unbelievable thing of the night happens. I wake up.

Starts off in some kind of department store, like Debenhams, but worse. I’m with my cousin, and we’re looking for a friend named O. We find him. Suddenly I’m in a house that’s really familiar, which is ONCE AGAIN filled with members of my stupidly extended family (fuck I must really love them). For some reason, from just chillin’ in the house, I am now being chased by a group of people, who are so vivid that I can’t even resemble a single detail about them.

Then the dream tables turn. I am now chasing a little shit who looks so fucking familiar, but I can’t make out who it is. He runs out the back door of the house, onto a kind of NY-style metal fire escape platform, with a long set of stairs to the ground. Dripping in swag, he vaults over the ledge of the platform and drops about 20ft, landing into a perfectly placed skip full of liquid. I run down the stairs like a little pussy and continue the chase, only to somehow pass a bathroom and find O hiding in a shower behind a curtain. I hide with him in the room, but quickly get spotted. Someone grabs my hands from under the curtain and slashes them with a fuck-off-massive knife! With bloody palms, I get dragged out by a guy who looks like Colonel Gaddafi. We now appear to be on a busy high street in some kind of Middle Eastern country.

He takes O and I to his wife, who tells us that we’re going to be executed. I argue, she walks away. Slag. Then suddenly we are both in my 41-year-old cousin’s BMW, being driven through some mountains at night, confused as to which side of the roadwe should be on.

Seth Rogen pees on girls!

February 6, 2011

For the first time ever, I dreamt that I woke up and wrote down my dreams! Figured it would happen some time, but I had no idea that the dreams to follow would be this AWESOME.

I’m in some kind of technology store, messing around with the iPod docks and Blackberrys. I notice on one of the Blackberrys that my cousin(who is in Australia..) had previously texted someone from that exact handset. In the corner of the technology store, there is shelf of woolen Nike AF1 rip-offs. I show them to my mum. She likes them. I look outside the window, and there’s at least a metre of snow pressed against the glass. I clear snow from around the building and come back inside, only to notice that the building is now my house. My Dad asks about the snow, and I give him a detailed report.

The house is then suddenly full of family members and randoms, and its also no longer my house, but somewhere that still looks weirdly familiar. My brother lights up a fag in front of my dad (something which isn’t a big deal, but would be hilarious in reality). In the living room of the house is a little kid/borderline baby chillin with his mum. The baby holds on to my arm and starts to walk, maybe its first steps ever. Get this. Gradually the kid appears to growing as it walks! He looks at me, wearing a little hat, and asks ‘are we upside down?’. I say no, getting a cheap laugh from those in attendance. I then walk outside of the house, to find my 40-year-old cousin showing off his new remote control car, and he’s genuinely excited. It breaks. He’s depressed.

Then it gets REALLY good. I’m now in a weird scenario, with my friend D. For some weiirrdd reason, the whole situation feels like the movie ‘Paul’ (with Seth Rogen as an alien), and D is most definitely a human version of Paul the alien. So much so that he actually looks a little like Rogen in the dream! We go to some rural field, where theres some hot girls watching a sport of some kind. D starts pissing on them!! Honestly, just straight up pees on the hot girls. They hate it, and I’m crying with laughter.

I love this next one. We’re driving on a highway, somewhere sunny, in a big people carrier. A friend is in the seat next to me, with a camera, and is taking pictures left right and centre. Now here’s the cool part – everything looks slightly blurred and vivid, with the sky bright blue and everything looking awesome. Hard to explain, but the best comparison would be that it looked like those snowboard videos that are actually pretty new but look hella old. Anyway, my vision had an old-tint to it, and it was awesome. My friend takes a picture of me, but then holds the camera right against my face and it starts to shock me, slowly building (kinda felt like when you lick a 9V battery, which is somehow getting stronger…).  As I get shocked, my dream switches to the 3rd person, but instead of seeing myself being shocked, I actually see some country-ass bum reacting to being shocked! So fucking weird.